Yesterday marked the anniversary date of my youngest brother, Jerry’s transition. I AM one of those who remembers birthdays but has blocked transition dates. If I didn’t write them down in my calendar I wouldn’t know the “exact” date. During certain seasons I get reminders like when the leafs begin to change color or when people begin to talk about St Patrick’s day or when I see a daffodil or it snows. I’m reminded oh this is when my love transitioned.
I had a moment of clarity this morning right after my meditation prayer time. I realized why I don’t know the transition date. It’s because I now know they have never left me. Where would they go? Our souls are eternal. We are spirit or love whatever word you like to describe the Great Mystery. I feeeeeel love when I think of my brother Jerry so I know he is always with me. Again, where would he go?
When I started to work with davidji and enrolled in the davidji meditation academy Masters of Wisdom Meditation & Teacher training course I carried with me two huge heavy suitcases in each hand. One carried my unnecessary suffering, my unprocessed grief, disappointments, regrets,losses, judgmental mind, suppressed anger, critical and narrow minded thinking, low self esteem, unwillingness and stubbornness to forgive myself and others, posturing self, over exaggerated ego self, limiting beliefs, self doubt, inability to trust, fear of taking risks, lack of confidence, low self esteem,
restlessness, unnecessary spending, sleepless nights, poor nutrition/digestion and self sabotaging thoughts. Oh and most profound - I had no idea who i was once my kids had grown and successfully moved on. The airlines would charge double for this one and I had it packed like that for years. My other hand carried another suitcase just as heavy. This one contained the only tools I knew of at that time to help me with suitcase number one. I carried alcohol, pot, pills, overspending, over eating, isolation and I was either lashing out or shutting down.
I can still recall (even though it was a few years ago now) the exact feeling I experienced during one of my first webinars with davidji and my fellow students. He randomly called upon me asking me like he did everyone else to talk about where i was in the teachings/readings. Something came over me and I decided to be fully authentic. Someone had died and I was struggling. I was coping by unpacking and using the contents from suitcase number two but didn’t share which items I was using. davidji invited me, encouraged me to broaden my perspectives around death and loss. He suggested I turn towards it. I didn’t know what that even meant. He mentioned Pema Chondron. Go back to her books. Next he asked me how my meditation practice was going? Was I also meditating in the evening? Ummm no and I didn’t have the courage to say what I was doing instead. I was embarrassed to admit that i was basically a crises meditator. I was barely meditating at that time in the morning. He listened with his non judging heart. Encouraged me again to work through difficult emotions like grief through the practice of a twice a day meditation practice. He reminded me that I had within me everything I needed to return to wholeness and to be healed. That what I was seeking was inside not outside. And, it would require the discipline and the commitment from me to sit still and allow these emotions to rise up and be honored. To be bathed in my own unconditional capacity to love them and myself in the process. To trust. To Listen. Respond gently, authentically he said in a whole new way. Easy? Umm. Hardly. Excruciating at times to connect to the stillness and silence. Straight line? Nope. Much easier back then to take a pill, light a joint, have a drink, surf the Net.
But, I trusted and leaned in. And I leaned in Hard. At that point I was so exhausted from carrying the weight of both suitcases. I wanted desperately to lighten my load. To return to balance and wholeness. I wanted to transform my life from mediocre to extraordinary.
Eventually that moment and shift came where I found the soft spot within my mind, my heart and my body. I experienced the full integration of my loved one. I began to love mySelf. I began to hear God’s voice instead of mine. It was a faint whisper but it was there!!!! I experienced the knowing davidj had and wanted for me. I felt the merging and the integration of my loved ones souls with mine on the soul level. I started to release what no longer served me.
I AM deeply grateful to now have the tools of my ritualized meditation practice in my suitcase to help me deal with grief loss and disappointments instead of the non nourishing bag i use to carry. I give thanks to God for this wisdom, to my husband, to davidji, for you reading this and for all my teachers for lighting my path and holding my hand.
This tool of meditation continues each and everyday to heal me. I know now there’s no finish line in my growth. And, as the Five Remembrances teach me it is of my nature to be separated from everyone I love.
God bless you on your Sacred Self Journey