It is interesting (small word) and very often “frustrating” to me how much my spiritual work continues to be centered on my unworthiness at 62 years young. How the person I want to love me the most, myself, spends so much mental energy trying to convince me that I don’t deserve my own love. I notice these thoughts so often throughout my day. Some examples: when I receive a compliment, a hug, passing a mirror, looking into a mirror, getting dressed, when I attempt to do something new, sitting with a hospice patient, teaching meditation, writing like this, writing a blog, not getting a response to a text, attempting to move my meditation business forward, spending money on myself, saying no to a request, speaking my truth, working out or choosing not to work out, having sugar, not having sugar, unplugging, hearing about your achievements or your accomplishments, seeing ads on TV, on and on! Unworthiness – my unworthiness – my spiritual work.
Recently I read in one of my thousands of books that this sense of unworthiness may seem like it’s getting worse as our awareness deepens. Light bulb moment for me. Some days I do feel like it is getting worse and according to this teaching it’s because of my awareness. Good example of when davidji reminds us that the path to bliss is not always blissful.
Once I heard a teacher explain how we can let go of our sense of unworthiness. I leaned in –
not by suppressing it but giving it enough room to see it’s own workings. Hmm…
Before I practiced meditation – before I had the courage to journey into my heart, I was ruled by these thoughts of unworthiness. They left me living on the sidelines of my life, afraid to take a risk, pretending to be what I thought others wanted or needed me to be and sucked at standing in my Truth.
Now that I am a meditator I know that I have a choice in my response when these thoughts rise up. I can practice bringing my awareness to them before they take me down the hole in my road. Just like I do in my meditation practice. I can just observe them and witness them. Practice not judging them. Not suppressing them. Sitting with the good the bad and the ugly parts of them. Trusting that they will pass very quickly if I give them enough room through awareness. And, next, just letting them go – back to the land of where the other 60 to 80 thousands thoughts seem to come from.
Meditation has opened up a portal for me. A magnificent portal of introducing me to a part of myself that I never knew existed – my spiritual nature. It has brought me a deep connection to God and so much peace, joy and deeper connection to my life and to you. So, when I become aware of my unworthiness thoughts today, I pray that I will continue to practice shifting to my Truth. I will practice seeing myself through God’s eyes and not the ramblings of my ego.